Your normal is weird

 

Grow up in any culture, and you will gain a set of values and assumptions about the world and the way things are. And while most people from your culture will hold similar values and assumptions, even within a monoculture you will always hear complaints about people who have no social skills, or just don’t know how to behave appropriately. Yet for them, they are just being normal.

Now take that and add a bunch of people from a different culture. Make that hundreds of different cultures, as you’d find in a multicultural or global context, and imagine the multitude of misunderstandings that can arise.

Take for example, the distinctive “head wobble” common in South Asia. It signifies that one is listening and agreeing with the person speaking to them; yet viewed through a Western lens, it may be interpreted as a sign of indecision or wishy-washiness. There does exist a stereotype in the West about South Asians being less than trustworthy, and I wonder if this most desi of gestures contributes to that.

Or for another example, eye contact. It’s frequently lauded as essential for effective communication, and some sort of guarantee of truth-telling. (“Look me in the eye and say that.”)  Unfortunately, in many parts of the world, looking someone directly in the eye can range from mildly inappropriate to downright confrontational, depending on the situation. Many Asian cultures, placing a high emphasis on hierarchy and proper deference to ones elders and social betters, frown on eye contact in many contexts.

So what does this mean for someone who’s absorbed this Asian value trying to make their way in the world, or at least in an Australia that holds very Western or Anglo norms of body language? How does one gain the trust of your boss, or impress a potential mate, or convince the police that you didn’t commit that crime, when your head keeps wobbling around or you don’t look them in the eye?

I wonder how much this sort of thing interferes with interpersonal relationships, dooming potential romances never to get off the ground, or causing conflict between partners where it needn’t exist. So many of our assumptions and expectations of what is “normal” in other people’s behaviour is based on our own cultural upbringing. Anyone who’s seen that famous scene in The Joy Luck Club where Chinese-American Waverley brings her white boyfriend home for dinner with her family will know how “normal” in one culture can be boorish and embarrassing in another. And how one culture can have a multitude of unspoken rules which are a mystery to the outsider.

Even as someone raised in a bicultural family, I absorbed some cultural norms from both, yet missed out on some key features of both as well. I mean, when I was 17 and my mate invited me to a barbecue and instructed me to “Bring a plate”, was it really that weird that I just brought an empty plate? I actually thought it might have been some quaint white person tradition… as in, “Maybe they don’t like using their own crockery or something. White people are weird.”

Many of us learn, often instinctively, to “switch modes”, and increase or decrease our level of “ethnic-ness” according to the company we are currently keeping. But many Asian-Australians, particularly those who are a bit fresher off the boat, haven’t acquired this ability. Sometimes things become such a part of you that you don’t realise you’re doing them.

My parents are both bilingual in English and Indonesian. At one point early in their marriage they were apart for a number of months, as my (Australian) father worked as a locum on the island of Sumba in Eastern Indonesia, while my mother stayed in Jakarta. Once they were reunited, my mother noticed a change in his behaviour. When speaking Indonesian, he came across as more aggressive, his tone having an attacking edge to it even when engaging in the most uncontroversial of conversations. It turned out simply to be a problem of dialect. Dad had picked up the speech patterns of the Sumbanese people around him, who have a tendency to place extra emphasis on the first syllable of words, in comparison to speakers of standard Indonesian. In the same way that some people say Hokkien sounds more aggressive than Mandarin, or Punjabi sounds more aggressive than Hindi, the Sumbanese accent comes across as pushy and impatient. (I wonder how much of an obstacle that proves to be for Sumbanese trying to make it in the very etiquette-conscious regions of Java and Bali.) Fortunately it didn’t prove to be too great an obstacle for my folks, or I might not be around to write this.

My own partner and I once became briefly flustered with each other over a simple matter of ordering lunch in a Chinese restaurant in Malaysia. The waitress (of limited English ability) asked us all what we wanted, and everyone ordered, without needing to see a menu – because there wasn’t one. Everyone knew the sort of foods that the Chinese restaurant could make – which were the same foods that virtually any decent Chinese restaurant in Malaysia would make – and thus a menu was redundant. Plus people usually order virtually the same things they always order. Everyone knew this, except me of course. So my Malaysian-raised partner and her Malaysian-raised family looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to order so things could get underway. Yet I sat there looking indecisive and a little foolish, as if I had never experienced Chinese food before, floundering as I tried to find out with little success from the waitress what sorts of vegetarian food they could cook up. Without a written menu, I was lost. What sort of eating establishment doesn’t have a menu, anyway? All the while my fellow diners, not understanding my plight, obviously just thought I was a little odd.

Likewise, in another restaurant in Malaysia I was annoyed that my tea came with sugar already added. My partner looked at me like I was some kind of weirdo. “Why didn’t you specify you didn’t want sugar?”

“Because I shouldn’t have to specify,” I replied. “Sugar is optional. Tea without sugar is the standard.”

“Not in this country.”

My point is, whatever you think is the standard is not always going to be the standard. So don’t get pissed off when your white friends don’t think to remove their shoes when they enter your home; even though you think it should be obvious, since you already have fourteen other pairs of shoes assembled next to the front door. And try to control your irritation when the same white friends always want to order things individually at Asian restaurants rather than sharing. They are just doing what they’ve come to think of as normal.  And in turn, hopefully they’ll learn not to be too judgemental about your weird Asian behaviours. Like the way you seem to call every older person you’ve ever met “Uncle” or “Auntie”. Or like the fact that you’re a grown man but think it’s OK to go to karaoke and sing Backstreet Boys songs all night without a trace of irony. Just explain to them that it’s normal in your culture, and hopefully they’ll get it.

Author: Eurasian Sensation

They also call me Chris. I'm a community worker and educator, and I'm interested in things.To observe me in my natural environment... try eurasian-sensation.blogspot.com.

1 thought on “Your normal is weird”

  1. This article is great at talking about some of the cultural misunderstandings that come up, especially between western and eastern cultures.

    I am a white American who lived in South Korea for a year and even though I tried to read about cultural differences and asked my Korean American friends before going, I was in no way prepared for all the subtle differences. Your last paragraph is really the best advice: Don’t get pissed. Many times, embarrassing things will happen because you or someone else just won’t know. I’ve learned to just shrug it off and go with the flow, and then of course talk about it after. It makes things much easier that way.

Your thoughts?